I haven’t drank soda (aka pop for my Midwestern cohorts) since Tuesday. For someone who usually drinks at least 24oz of diet Mt. Dew a day, this has been hard. I have also been eating more fruits, veggies, and nuts. More real food. I went to see a Dr. and get some guidance.
This is how depressed I am right now. How lost I feel. How much I want a solution: I was willing to change my diet. That’s pretty close to a miracle.
And so far I don’t hate it.
I am walking a fine line these day and it sucks. A line between staying here and not.
I think about Robin Williams a lot. His death has made me both consider suicide more and want to fight harder for it never to be an option for me. I see that not one good thing came from his premature exit and I want to fight that like hell and at the same time I am so sick of fighting, of feeling like depression will always be this huge presence in my life, of feeling like I will be defeated.
But I am committed to continue fighting and I am beyond fortunate to have a support system who encourages me to fight, who tells me what I don’t always want to hear, a system I’ve learned to trust.
This week I will venture into another in-patient program and I feel a bit of relief knowing I will have this supportive place to hopefully get the six different kinds of help I need right now.
If I could say anything to others struggling, it would be find a support system. People are there and they will respond. Be willing to make the first move. Nine out of ten times you will be rewarded.
My long term goal: Be healthy.
My short term goal: Not hate myself for being sick.
I am bad about this. Logically, I get that there is no reason to be mad at myself for having depression but sometimes I am not good at holding to this. Depression feels like something you should be able to beat or at least deal with it less often than I have been. I get that depression is not a sign of weakness. I get that it is chemicals and other stuff and that it is a disease. I get that. I’m just not great at sticking to it.
I don’t think there is some virtue in giving yourself a hard time for being depressed. In fact, I think being mad at my self undermines how this is a disease, not a state of being, and that’s not a good thing.
So why can’t I let the anger and frustration at myself go? I don’t know. All I can say is it feels like I should be well and part of me thinks it’s my fault I’m not. And part of me is mad at that part for being that way. Like a centerfold, I just need to get all my parts on the same page.
I decided to take a break from ECT. It hasn’t really been helping this time and it has caused lots of problems. The memory loss part is giving me a really hard time. It’s more than memory. My ability to think and write has been affected. I believe this is all short term and will be back to normal soon. Right now, it’s a pain in the fuckin ass. It feels like I have had the world’s biggest brain fart.
I love writing. Even when I feel like shit, I can find joy in writing. Now, not so much. It’s kind of sucks because besides getting paid to write, I also find writing therapeutic. And right now, I could use some therapy.
I am struggling right now and I am spending a lot of time reaching out, trying to find what will help. I think people sometimes think depressed people want to see the sad side of life but that’s not it at all. It chemical shit. Something is not working right in my brain and if I could, I would force it into the joy zone so quick.
But while I get to be proactive, I don’t get full say in the timetable. So I shall just keep going and look forward to my writing voice coming back so this is more enjoyable to read.
I’m struggling and I hate it. I hate that my moods are out of wack, that I feel so low, that the depression is back.
And the thing I hate most about the depression?
Feeling like a failure just for having it.
Logically I know that is not true, but much of me feels that way. And now I’ve added in ECT too, which means memory loss.
The memory loss is frustrating because, like depression itself, it slows me down, makes me more reliant on others, makes me feel like a fuckin moron.
Going into work and not remembering what I’ve done, who I’ve e-mailed, what programs we use,…fuckin moron.
So tonight I came home and took notes on my day in hopes I will be less reliant on others when I go back on Tuesday.
Now to just remember where I put the notes.