I Am a Liar. It’s Okay.
I just watched The Graduate.
I have never seen The Graduate before.
I am pretty sure I have lied on multiple occasions, claiming I have seen The Graduate.
Oh, anything to avoid the incredulous scorn “You’ve never seen The Graduate?!”
I knew enough about the Graduate to fake it. I knew Mrs. Robinson and the whole seducing thing and I knew I have one word for you plastics. But wow this is a flippin good movie.
How have I not seen this movie? Mike Nichols, Simon and Garfunkel, those are three of my favorite words right there.
I have seen The Birdcage probably twenty times (Gene Hackman, you are right, the foliage in Ohio is underrated,) but I’ve never seen The Graduate. I think Mike Nichols would be amused by this fact.
I did not expect 95% of the things that happened in this movie to happen. That is pretty amazing for a movie that was made 45 years ago.
Had I killed myself, I would have never seen The Graduate.
That is not okay.
You Are Not Alone
Are you feeling depressed right now?
Forget that, are you feeling like depression would be a huge fucking upgrade?
Are you feeling, like you can’t even remember what it’s like to feel anything but the immense overwhelming need to be done with it all?
I get it
I am not here to cheer you up.
If “being cheered up” was the answer, you would feel awesome. It sucks that that is not the problem (and that well-meaning idiots think it is.)
One of the best feelings I had last year was when I was suicidal sitting in a room surrounded by other people who were in their worst depression ever.
It was “not being cheered up” personified.
It was “let me feel the same shittiness you feel and I am not going to cheer you up because I could not even fake that and there is no need for you to fake it either because that would be totally lost in this room right now.”
I wish I could be your rent-a-depressive. I would just lay next you in bed and we could moan together and cry and scream, or just stare at the same spot on a wall.
You would know, even though our crap is not the exact same, that you are not alone and maybe being in the room with that would be enough to get through a couple of hours.
I get it.
Feel everything you are feeling no matter how painful it is.
There is no need for guilt.
You do not have a weakness. You have an illness and oddly, that is awesome because even though you don’t believe it in this moment. illnesses can be treated. Really it can. No, really.
Pick a person, a hospital, and outpatient group and reach out, even though the act of reaching out seems like too much right now.
There are so many of us and you are worthy of getting better and of meeting others who say “I totally get your shit.”
I don’t even know you and in this moment I get you and identify with you more than most people in my own life.
You are not alone.
