I walked around the corner and saw this massive work of art. It was a life changing moment. It was electric currents on fabric. I did not find this piece of art, it found me. I was meant to see it. I cried. A year after shock therapy began and I was feeling good, I saw this piece of art and it summed up this journey. I fell to the floor and weeped openly in the middle of the museum without a thought about those around me. This art work with electricity, ELECTRICITY on it, this could not be more perfect.
Well this was the moment I was hoping to write about, the moment I wanted to happen.
But it turns out the picture was of smoke not electricity. Dammit. How perfect would this story be if it were electricity? But that’s okay. It “looks like” electricity, that coulld be profound enough. I could work with that.
Or maybe smoke has a meaning. It clears and things are seen differently. Oh yeah, that sounds good.
Okay, this moment is happening. I just need to cry and I am there.
But dammit again, I couldn’t cry.
I tried, believe me I tried. “C’mon Deena, you have a great story here if you cry.” This can be an awesome moment. Try gulping, just gulp and blink and you will have this completely spontaneous, unaffected moment.
Not one flippin tear.
I still like this picture though and I am sure if I work at it hard enough I can make a moment out of all this.
Ooh, making a moment is like creating art.
I think those words just made me shed a tear.
Judy is Always Right
In the 5th or 6th grade, I remember being in science class. One of the other kids said something and a hilarious response popped in my head. I wanted to say it. I should say it, I thought. It will be greeted with silence, I thought. And as I thought and thought, a boy in the class said his own version of my joke and people roared. I lost the laugh. This boy, with less finesse and worse timing, got my fucking laugh. This moment changed me, it wasn’t an aha moment, cause Aha Oprah didn’t exist yet. No, I clearly remember thinking this is my Judy Blume moment. I was having my turning point in Judy Blume’s never published book, Deena Gets the Last Laugh.
After this JB moment, I did begin using my humor and it became a defining characteristic. It was how I made friends and gained confidence.
Judy, of course, knows that life is never simple enough to just have one turning point though. Her characters suffered and learned and celebrated and then they rinsed and repeated.
My Judy Blume-esque Deena is a slow learner. Years later she would take an improv class and think of something and whisper it to someone on the back line and he would go out and do it in class and he would get the laugh.
I have finally learned this lesson. I will get my laugh now, but Judy isn’t a one lesson per character type lady, so I continue to learn and learn and learn some more.
Who knew twenty-five years later Judy would write a sequel, Happy Shock-iversary, Deena. In this mildly anticipated follow-up, we learn Deena has continued the thread of comedy in her life and has also added a child, and for good measure, shock therapy and some pretty little pills. The book opens on February 15, 2013, a year after Deena started her ECT treatments as she reflects on what this last year has meant.
Critics praise the book for “handling tough subjects” but also think “Deena, the main character is a little self-absorbed.” and ask “Geez Judy, is Deena ever gonna grow-up for real?”
But Judy knows neither life nor her characters are ever that clear cut.
And as it always seems, Judy is right.
That about sums it up for me
I saw Groundhog Day when it came out in the movie theater 20 years ago (what, really that long ago?) I loved the whole movie and it has become a quotable classic. My favorite line happened not on the screen though, but in the theater. I went with my dad, sister, and my Papa Mike. In the movie, Rita realizes Phil is telling the truth about living the same day over and over. They spend a nice night together, he shares how he feels about her, and they fall asleep next to each other. It’s going to be a new day, you think and then all of the sudden the alarm goes off and I’ve Got You Babe plays yet again.
My grandfather’s response? “Geez, enough already, this is ridiculous.” He said it irritated and loudly and it is for sure my favorite part in the movie or in my movie going experience.
On Groundhog Day last year, I was in camp IOP, my daytime mood disorder outpatient program. Camp went from 9 to noon and I was reluctant to start the program in the first place. I went to meet with the person in charge of the camp, a woman name Doreen who at first meeting I did not care for much. Rest assured this is not a don’t judge a book by its cover story, I didn’t like Doreen any more by the end of the program either.
My reluctance about the program stemmed for my time in the psychiatric hospital. During the day at the hospital we would have sessions we were very strongly encouraged to attend. They would involve filling out worksheets about why it was good to take your meds and the importance of keeping yourself clean. By clean, I don’t mean sober, I mean discussing the benefits of washing your face. I was afraid this is what would happen at IOP. for the most part though IOP proved to be a good use of time and a place I benefitted from a lot. I got to meet with very good doctors and therapists and I got to know a great group of people who were going through similar struggles. The only points that seemed to not be helpful where the ones that involved Doreen.
Doreen often led our opening morning session. This session was supposed to be a time to talk about how we were doing, any specific troubles we were having, and ways we needed help. When Doreen led these sessions, however, they seem to always turn into a conversation about the good old days of growing up in, I don’t know, the fifties or sixties when we didn’t have cell phones and guys didn’t wear baggy pants, and women didn’t wear tight pants . It was bizarre and frustrating.
One day Doreen came in with a VCR. I was hoping for a depression themed movie like Ordinary People or One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. No, this movie was a short informational film starring beloved Leave It to Beaver actor Tony Dow. He talked about his own struggles with depression and bipolar disorder and provided us with what I’m sure was up-to-date information. Nothing says “this is current” like a VHS tape.
In this moment, channeling my grandfather, I uttered “Geez, enough already, this is ridiculous.”
Don’t get me wrong, I’m a huge Leave It to Beaver fan. How can you not enjoy a show with supporting characters named Whitey and Lumpy?
And one of my favorite jokes will always be:
Q: What was the first dirty line ever uttered on TV ?
A: Ward, I think you were a little rough on the beaver last night.
So yeah, Tony Dow is great and everything, but in that time of life I felt like Phil, living a miserable day over and over and I just really wanted to get to the lobster and making love like sea otters stuff and Dammit, Doreen wasn’t helping.
Things did change though and my version of I Got You Babe (Depression/Doreen) went away and right now I am watching Groundhog Day on AMC waiting for all my favorite lines.
So Happy Groundhog Day and watch out for that first step, it’s a doozy.
