Shock Therapy Didn’t Ruin Me (A Treatment Destigmatized)

When I was ready to kill myself, a last ditch effort was presented, electro-convulsive therapy. With a name like that, who wouldn’t be all in?

Like any in-depth researcher, I immediately went to Google to learn more. While looking, I found a youtube clip from someone getting ECT in the 90s and nothing else helpful.

I didn’t watch the youtube clip cause, honestly, I did not want to know what happened when I was knocked out. I figured that was the benefit to being knocked out. I enjoy not knowing what happens when I am passed out. I get nitrous at the dentist, every time, I will not sit in the chair without seeing it hooked up, and I preferred, if I was going to get ECT, to not know what went on. I am extremely trusting this way, wait till I am under the magic drugs and do your thing. Don’t worry, I realize there are certain situations where you should probably avoid being drugged and trusting.

Anyway, after this cursory internet searching, I decided to not seek out information.

This plan was slightly messed up when the day before the fun was about to happen a woman in my mood disorder intensive program came up and begged me not to get ECT as it took away her husband’s personality and he was never the same. I don’t recommend ever saying this to someone.

But, motivational message aside, I still took the plunge because I figured i should try one more thing before I took a permanent, irreversible, plunge.

Like what learning to cook healthily or finding religion does for some people, ECT saved my life.

Like learning to cook healthily or finding religion, I would not recommend it for everyone,

To me, the most amazing thing about ECT, was when I started to feel better and the doctor asked me how was I doing. I said I was at 70%. I was thrilled with this number. Like my grades in school and Cookie Monster, “C” was good enough for me. But the Dr. said we will do this till you’re at 100%,

And in that moment, I realized I had given up on that number long ago. I thought passing was enough and this man said you deserve to feel not just better, but your best.

I think about this now when things dip for me. Am I still doing so much better than before? Yes. Am I grateful for that? Without a doubt. Am I deserving of 100%? Absolutely.

Talk About It

Ted Talk on the taboo of mentioning surviving a suicide attempt:

“Talk about it. Get Help. It’s a conversation worth having and an idea worth spreading.”

(Source: http://www.youtube.com/)

Parenting and Lying

And now a tip from my upcoming book,
Parenting Success by Choosing Easiness Over Honesty

Tip #43: How to Get Rid of Complaining About Bedtime

Set a fake bedtime for your child. Make it an hour before you will lose your shit if they are not in bed, let’s say 7:30. Tell your child this “bedtime” you set, repeat it to them a lot, it will seem more official that way.

Then every night at 8:00 tell them “Oh my gosh, it is 8:00, you got to stay up a half hour past your bedtime, we better get you to sleep.”

Success.

You will be left with no complaining cause children love to think they won something, like fake “going to bed lateness.” This victory is especially awesome for them because they think not only did they win, but you lost at putting them to bed on time. Children love nothing more then you losing, but the jokes on them, cause there is something you didn’t lose. Your shit.

So they go to bed “a half hour late” wink wink, and you still have 30 minutes of not losing your shit, which I also refer to as my “half hour of eating food I just told my kid was not a healthy choice for them to eat before bedtime” time

For more tips like this, buy my non-existent book.

In Need of a Plan

Do you have a plan?

A question asked of college graduates, presidential candidates, and the suicidal. And for any of these people, if you answer no, you are immediately taken less seriously.

I was raised by a planner, I married a planner.And then there is me. I bristle at the idea of a schedule, a calendar, or even writing a grocery list.I feel a bit of guilt about my resistance. Sometimes you need to defer to what gives others comfort, like your husband knowing where your are for instance. I function with a lack of schedule, but as a family that is tricky.

As much as I try (not much) I will probably never be a planner.

So when I tell a psychiatrist I’m feeling suicidal and they inevitably ask ”Do you have a plan?”

I say “no” and immediately feel I have let them, and myself down.

C’mon Deena, how hard is it to come up with something, I chide myself?

“It doesn’t have to be fully fleshed out” I tell myself, just say something vague, like “Yes, it involves a razor, some stale taco shells, and a VHS copy of Mars Attacks.”

But I say no, they seem relieved, and I promise myself to try harder next time.