Failing

Having depression feels like being a failure.

I tell myself that this is not true. That depression is a disease, not a weakness.

I tell myself this often.

If another depressed person told me they felt like a failure for having this disease, I would yell at them, telling them how ridiculous that is, rolling my eyes at the stupidity of it.

Yet the feelings still creeps in.

I am weak. I am less then.

I am pitied more than liked.

Like a dickhead older brother, depression likes to fuck with your head.

“Hey dumbass, why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself?”

I have been having a feeling low and shitty day today. Not regular low and shitty, but depression low and shitty. There’s a difference.

I have spent the “feeling low and shitty day” being angry at myself for feeling anything but good.

I have spent it feeling like a failure.

Feeling like the fact that I am feeling anything less than good is my fault.

Feeling like a person who lacks the basic skills it takes to feel undepressed

Of course it is chemical make-up, not skill, but that same chemical make-up is what likes to fuck with your mind.

But here’s the shock therapy/medication assisted-lining in this chemical rain cloud: Even feeling this shitty, I still feel hope.

That’s a big fuckin deal.