I Don’t Remember Shit.

This losing memories stuff is hard.

It’s not tragic, it’s worth it, but it makes me sad.

The thing that has been most helpful is that I am sometimes able to remember my feelings associated with an experience, even if I have very little recollection of the experience itself.

For instance, I just directed a sketch show. I have very little memories of really any of the process but I did not lose the overwhelming sense of joy I had in being a part of the project. So, yeah that’s pretty frickin’ cool.

But looking around a room and not knowing where things came from or hearing about events big and small of the past months and not remembering them, it makes me sad.

I will say this, Facebook and my phone have saved me in many ways. I know I post A LOT and I am fine with that because I know after a treatment I can log on and read what I did, felt, conversations I had, and relive what I’ve already forgotten.

One of the hardest things is not knowing what I don’t know, thinking “Okay, I am pretty caught up on everything.” And then being told a something big that I have no memory of and getting a bit bummed.

My next treatment is Wednesday. I am grateful for it and also a bit hesitant. I have had a great couple weeks and I’d like to remember them, but I have comfort in being pretty sure if nothing else, I will remember they were great.

That, and no matter how many times I get zapped my knowledge of Golden Girls, Friends, and 90210 is all still completely intact.