Depression’s such a dick

The meds don’t seem to be working. The side effects of the ECT are getting to me. Who are you again? I’m not sure. I want to feel the way I felt when treatment was working and I can’t find the way to get there. Though I do have a horrible sense of direction, so maybe it is just that. Mental health is right here, I am just lost in a fuckin depression traffic circle.

It feels like that, like it is within my grasp but I can’t get a hold of it, like when some bully keeps holding your notebook or a push-up pop just out of your reach, and you go to grab it and he pulls it farther back and laughs, that’s what life feels like right now, like a laughing push-up pop-yanking bully. And I feel like the whiny tattletale.

The Fall from Legoland

This is ridiculous. I just don’t get it.

Legoland was flippin awesome. I was super excited to go. I was slightly annoyed when I saw the park was only open from 10am -6pm but I got to tell you those Legolanders know what they are doing. The park is aimed for age 2-12. Close at 6 and get everybody out before the tantrums start. Brilliant.

The day was what people who like to throw around words that aren’t always accurate, would refer to as perfect.

I don’t do the heat and the weather was a beautiful 70 degrees.

Watching my son have a brickass time, and having a brickass time with him, (pretty sure that phrase will catch on) was simply delightful. I felt so lucky, so “my life is too good.”

We left the park and life was still good, I spent the car ride to the restaurant talking about how awesome the day was.

As the day was happening, I was thoroughly enjoying it, and yet there the fuck it was. In the back this feeling of ugh, of shittiness, of not wanting to be here.

I got to the restaurant and felt this crap in the back, hanging around. I was angry at myself, at my brain. I felt betrayed, fucked with, pathetic. I didn’t want to be this person so I smiled through, trying not to be.

I hate my brain. I hate it so hard. I can’t tell you how much I want to not feel this stuff, how much I want wanting life to feel easy. It’s getting old. I am blessed and filled with the love of others and this shit just won’t leave me alone.

Geez fuckin Louise, here we go again and I guess the only answer is to go at it hard, and occasionally allow yourself to cry in the bok choy section of the grocery store.

up, down, ugh

Up and down like crazy, blech. Managable but blech. Might be time for a meds change, fuck. It’s gotta be easier than this. #thinkrainbows