The Fall from Legoland

This is ridiculous. I just don’t get it.

Legoland was flippin awesome. I was super excited to go. I was slightly annoyed when I saw the park was only open from 10am -6pm but I got to tell you those Legolanders know what they are doing. The park is aimed for age 2-12. Close at 6 and get everybody out before the tantrums start. Brilliant.

The day was what people who like to throw around words that aren’t always accurate, would refer to as perfect.

I don’t do the heat and the weather was a beautiful 70 degrees.

Watching my son have a brickass time, and having a brickass time with him, (pretty sure that phrase will catch on) was simply delightful. I felt so lucky, so “my life is too good.”

We left the park and life was still good, I spent the car ride to the restaurant talking about how awesome the day was.

As the day was happening, I was thoroughly enjoying it, and yet there the fuck it was. In the back this feeling of ugh, of shittiness, of not wanting to be here.

I got to the restaurant and felt this crap in the back, hanging around. I was angry at myself, at my brain. I felt betrayed, fucked with, pathetic. I didn’t want to be this person so I smiled through, trying not to be.

I hate my brain. I hate it so hard. I can’t tell you how much I want to not feel this stuff, how much I want wanting life to feel easy. It’s getting old. I am blessed and filled with the love of others and this shit just won’t leave me alone.

Geez fuckin Louise, here we go again and I guess the only answer is to go at it hard, and occasionally allow yourself to cry in the bok choy section of the grocery store.