Rule of Three

When my son was a toddler, like most little kids, if he said something that got a laugh, he would keep saying it over and over again.

Anyone who has witnessed a child (or bad stand-up) do this, knows it can be super annoying.

So to stop it, I told him, in comedy, there is “the rule of three.” – We will laugh at your joke three times and then it is no longer funny or welcome and you have to come up with something new. (This is not actually what the rule of three is at all, the actual rule is about how creating patterns in comedy breeds humor, but whatever. My fake definition worked for the situation.) Anytime my son would try to keep doing the same joke, I would just say rule of three and he would stop.

I was so glad it worked because for me, a big part of good comedy, is knowing when to be done. I am trying to make this just about comedy and not about my life.

I don’t remember ever saying “I am proud of myself” before this weekend. Not that I haven’t been proud of myself before, but I’ve lived under the (false) assumption that if I say “I’m proud” it means I’m cocky.

But this weekend my play happened (with amazing people involved) and people’s lives were affected. I felt proud in a way I hadn’t before. A step was taken in removing stigma from depression and suicide, and I made that happen. That’s pretty kickass. It felt good. And in that same space I thought okay, maybe this is it. I should be done. I should just end my life.

Having those thoughts angered me. A lot.

I went into my therapist and said “I want to enjoy this. I want my brain to not go to this “ending it” place. I want to make these thoughts stop.

She has some ideas and we are going to work on it.

I just wish it was easier.
I just wish I could fully enjoy this moment.
I just wish someone could say “rule of three” and my brain would realize these thoughts are no longer welcome and it’s time to come up with something new.