Instant Winner

One of my grandma’s favorite memories was this huge party we had for her 80th birthday. It was all she wanted, her friends and family all in one room celebrating, and she loved every minute of it. The week before this party, unbeknownst to my grandma and pretty much everyone in the room, I had almost killed myself by taking a bunch of pills . The whole time I was at the party I just kept thinking, thank god I didn’t kill myself and ruin this moment, and that is what I had been thinking about the whole last week of her life.

It seems to me my grandma never really knew about my depression. I had never talked about it with her. It wasn’t part of our relationship. I surly never told her about Funnel Cakes Not Included. Our relationship was cookies, and scratch-off lottery tickets, and love. That was it and that was plenty.

And then today my Great Aunt gave me the most beautiful gift. She came up to me and said “The last conversation I had with your grandma, she told me all about your play. She told me what it was about and how hard you worked on it. She was so proud of you.” Someone must have told my grandma about the play and then my grandma was doing well enough to tell my aunt and then my aunt thought to share it with me. How fuckin lucky is that? So fuckin’ lucky I might go and buy another scratch off.