Sharing is Caring

I have only attempted suicide twice in my life. Maybe that’s not something you put only before, but with as much as it has entered my mind, the fact that I have just (okay, that’s another word for only,) followed through on two occasions is pretty remarkable.

I owe this to many factors; family,friends, therapists, realizing when I needed to be hospitalized (fortunately, I’ve only had to be once.) And I owe it to one other thing; the internet.

I remember first considering suicide as a possibility when I was a teen. Some teens consider sex, but I wanted to have the option that felt less uncomfortable and damaging to my self-esteem.

Most people would never think about the possibility of suicide. The whole idea, no matter how depressed and hopeless they are feeling, is never a part of their plan.The fact that some people have it as an option in their minds confuses and angers them. The word selfish comes up A LOT. The weird thing for me is I have a hard time understanding how all these people  have never had it as a choice in the back of their mind.

When I was post-college, alone one night and beyond despair, I googled the word suicide. Well I actually probably yahooed or altavistaed it. The first site I found had this very honest letter to the reader that told me exactly what I needed to hear. Among all the words that were impactfully written, it had the following statement:

“Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain.”

Immediately I felt less selfish and more understood.The helpful words go on and on in a way that makes you say “At last, somebody gets me.” The person who wrote this has literally saved my life on more than one occasion.
In life we all want to be validated. Whether we are depressed, or bullied, or an old lady who really, really like gardening; we want to know there is someone who gets us, without judgement and with total understanding.

I have found this validation in comedy, in books, and in the internet. I can call friends at 2am, but the chance of me doing so is not too high, but what can I do, I can find comfort online, whether it is in a facebook chat or once again going to that website.

It seems on a daily basis I become more and more open on the internet about my own life. Most people in my life have been cool with that but for a few people, it has been unsettling.

I will be honest, a lot of the reason for the openness has been to help me, but I also hope somewhere, someone who is struggling, who is ready to end it all, might find this site or see something I write on Facebook and say “Fuck yeah and thank you for understanding,” I hope to be someone’s way to simply make it through, when it all seems anything but simple.

If it only happens once, it will be more than worth it.

Also, if you don’t like it, scroll the fuck past. Nobody’s forcing you to read anything.