reassurance

I am thirty-six, living back home with my parents, and I am about to sit with my mom and watch myself get electro-convulsive therapy on the news. So basically, I am living the dream.

My parents have been wonderfully supportive as I have fought this disease, trying to offer whatever they can; picking up my son, running errands, all of it. One of the hardest side effects of depression is watching your family watch you struggle. I wish so badly my parents didn’t have to worry, but as a parent myself, I get that there is no way to change that.

So before the news story on ECT, I talked to my mom

“Mom, I just want to prepare you, you’re going to see this story Mom, and I just want you to know: I thought I would be in a hospital gown for the whole interview so that’s why I am not in nicer clothes. I just want you to know I am in a jeans and a Beverly Hills 90210 t-shirt and to reassure you had I known I would not be in a gown for the interview, I would have dressed nicer. I just thought you should know”

Sometimes it’s all about having the right words at the right time.

subtleties

It’s not that I want to die,
It’s that I don’t want to live.

It’s not that I want to harm myself,
It’s that I need to release the pain.

Like Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen,
It may seem like there’s no difference.
But Like nerdy Steve Urkel and
His super cool alter-ego Stefan Urquelle,
It’s so completely different.

These differences keep me here.
Recognizing them,
Reminding myself of them.

We fall, we hurt, but as long as we sustain, we’re okay.
So we hold on, even when we feel like letting go.

moments

Last night I went into a single stall bathroom at an ice cream shop. I left the bathroom and held the door open for a 5 or 6 year old boy. He walked in the bathroom holding his ice cream cone and came out a few minutes later still holding and eating from said ice cream cone.  I was most surprised and amused by the fact his dad saw everything and was completely un-phased. I started laughing uncontrollably. It was just one moment in a year full of them

In this past year
I saw my son become a reader
I wrote my first play
I ate over 100 wings
And I learned I like bleu cheese

In this past year
I had 32 ECT treatments
I performed dozens of shows
I laughed a bajillion times
I went to Legoland

In this past year
I watched a lot of Food Network
I changed huge parts of my life
I ate lunch with a hero of mine. (probably more than one.)
I thought hundreds of times about ending my life.

In this past year I have survived, and 30,000 Americans have died by suicide.

Just like me they fought. Hard.

Today, I will celebrate and laugh and hug people, and also think of these 30,000 people who missed so many moments and died too soon.

Hate, Frustration, Deep Breath.

I hate the way my brain is working now. I hate that I want to feel joy so badly, that I am working at it so hard, that I am paying for it, and sacrificing my memory for it, and yet it is still not in my control. I feel joy will come and I am grateful I am able to feel that way. I want that to be enough and I hate that it isn’t. I hate that death haunts me.

In the same breath I feel so fortunate for all who take this journey with me. I hate that they have to. I am a fun, silly, fun to be around person and I hate when I can’t find that in myself.

No disease is eliminated just by putting in the work. I get that. This disease just feels like it should be. And yet it is not. And I hate that but I will accept it.

Deep breath.

Goodbye Dick

I am struggling more than I would like to with depression right now.

Depression feels like selfishness, it feels like ungratefulness, like shame. But it is not these things.

Depression makes you feel like you’re a self-absorbed asshole. Why?

Because depression is a dick. A dick who likes to lie to you and fuck with you. And so you know what you have to do?

That’s right. You have to get all Gloria Gaynor on depression’s ass. You have to put your sequence on, pick up the mike and tell depression to get the fuck out.

Right?

Right!!

Yes, let’s do it!!

Oh but here is the rub: Depression can suck the Gloria Gaynor out of you. Exclamation points cease to exist.  Depression moves the shit in your brain around because, as previously mentioned, depression is a dick. And in all of this, that is what matters most to remember.

I can’t make depression disappear. I’m not going to have total control over this bitch of a disease. I’m going to feel selfish and ungrateful and like a self-absorbed asshole. So how do I get through that? With whatever works. And some nights it’s telling myself this:

“Depression is a dick and you are not. Dicks almost always lose to good people. Hang on so you can enjoy seeing this dick lose.”

It might not be as catchy as some Gloria Gaynor, but it’s working.

Finally

A poem guiding you through depression using only TV theme song lyrics

When the world never seems
to be living up to your dreams
it’s time you started finding out
what everything is all about

You wanna be where you can see,
our troubles are all the same

Life is more than mere survival

It’s time you started living
It’s time you let someone else do some giving

There’s a path you take and a path untaken

The choice is up to you my friend.
Nights are long but you’re on your way
To a brand new life,
Brand new life,
Brand new life around the bend.

Nothin’s gonna turn (you) back now,

Straight ahead and on the track now.
(You’re) gonna make (your) dreams come true,
Doin’ it (your) way.

You’re gonna make it after all.