Fine Line

I haven’t drank soda (aka pop for my Midwestern cohorts) since Tuesday. For someone who usually drinks at least 24oz of diet Mt. Dew a day, this has been hard. I have also been eating more fruits, veggies, and nuts. More real food. I went to see a Dr. and get some guidance.

This is how depressed I am right now. How lost I feel. How much I want a solution: I was willing to change my diet. That’s pretty close to a miracle.

And so far I don’t hate it.

I am walking a fine line these day and it sucks. A line between staying here and not.

I think about Robin Williams a lot. His death has made me both consider suicide more and want to fight harder for it never to be an option for me. I see that not one good thing came from his premature exit and I want to fight that like hell and at the same time I am so sick of fighting, of feeling like depression will always be this huge presence in my life, of feeling like I will be defeated.

But I am committed to continue fighting and I am beyond fortunate to have a support system who encourages me to fight, who tells me what I don’t always want to hear, a system I’ve learned to trust.

This week I will venture into another in-patient program and I feel a bit of relief knowing I will have this supportive place to hopefully get the six different kinds of help I need right now.

If I could say anything to others struggling, it would be find a support system. People are there and they will respond. Be willing to make the first move. Nine out of ten times you will be rewarded.