Waiting for What I Know I Need

I have met with a fuck load of psychiatrists in my lifetime and each of these psychiatrists has met with a fuck load of patients. And so it has become routine for both of us. We both say the same script we have gotten used to.

But I am sick of this disease so fuckin much and I am determined to make this visit at Psych Facility Land worth it. I want to get the most out of everyone I meet with. I want this to be like the best speed dating ever, but with mental health professionals.

I met with the psychiatrist this morning and expressed what I needed with more insistence then I ever have before. I reiterated how frustrated I am at having this depression, how angry I am at myself, how much guilt I feel, how that anger and guilt turns to hurting myself and wanting to end my life.

I liked the Dr. I met with and he seems to want to make a lot of medication changes that seem like they would be helpful and make a lot of sense. He talked to me about DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy.) DBT is something I did before a few years ago and I told him I was interested and I had an appointment with someone for today but I cancelled it because I am here and I rescheduled it for her next appointment which was in a month.

He said that is typical that it would take a month to get an appointment and I got so fuckin annoyed and found it hilariously messed up.

“Isn’t it ridiculous that a Dr. who is best at working on suicidal thoughts has a month long waiting list?!”

This is like a joke my dad often repeats: “Suicidal Hotline. Can I put you on hold.”

The Dr. felt my frustration and said they would try to start help me here but the wait for DBT is so long because there are only so many DBT therapists. I can see my other therapist, of course, in between the DBT appointments and I will. But it just sucks to know exactly what you need and not be able to get it.

But I got sweet smiley socks, a computer, and a lot larger support system then most. So I’m lucky.