70-30
The Dr. at the psych hospital had a philosophy. He said that depression is a 30/70 illness. To be well depends 30% on the medicines and 70% on you. He very kindly said he had never seen anyone work harder on getting better than me, but my problem was being patient with the 30%: the medicines kicking in. This was very true because the thing is, no matter how hard you work on getting better, you don’t feel any progress if the medicine isn’t working and waiting for that sucks.
As I have been struggling with this illness, I’ve been feeling like a different person. It has been the worst I have ever felt in my life and my brain has seemed like it isn’t even mine. I have felt like a fucked up crazy piece of shit. Delightful, I know.
I was very frustrated in the hospital. I had gone in and given up privileges that all my friends and family had; my cellphone, the right to shave without being watched, the ability to go outside, and I wasn’t getting rid of the suicidal thoughts or desire to harm myself. But I gave up those privileges for something more important than that: my safety.
I knew my safety mattered to others, but to me it was sometimes harder to see the value in because I didn’t want to be alive. How important me being in a safe place was became most clear to me on two occasions. Once when I was supposed to leave the hospital and knew if they let me go I would walk out the door and kill myself. This was the hardest day of my life but I was honest with the Drs. and they kept me longer, knowing I was in danger. I could have not told them and killed myself so apparently some part of me wanted to stay alive. The second time I realized how important the safety of the hospital was is when I finally did get discharged and I realized how much harder I would have to work to stay alive and safe because in the hospital those things were guaranteed and on the outside I had freewill and with that came the opportunity to make whatever choice with my life I wanted.
Staying alive has been a huge battle and continues to b,e but it is a battle I really want to win and today I was given an amazing gift as it seems my medicines might be starting to work.
Even if this is true, and man I hope it is, I know there are many ups and downs ahead and I also know that I gotta keep working my 70%.
Besides working hard, I believe I am still alive for two reasons. One is an 8 year old boy and the other is choosing to reach out. Obviously I have been open with my illness for quite a while but during these past few months I have reached out more than I ever have before, more than I was comfortable with. I am beyond lucky to have an amazing support system and I realized these past few months, that it was okay to depend on them, to use them when I need to, which has been a lot. I am very fortunate but being fortunate only matters if you act on it.
