A Different Kind of Better

I feel a different kind of better. A better kind of better. During this three month battle with hard core depression, I have had some days where I felt good but even then this baseline of low has been there. As time has gone on I had come to believe that baseline was my normal, and my problem was I didn’t know how to cope with it and these suicidal feelings and desire to self-harm would go away if only I wasn’t so fucked up.

People tried to reassure me, saying “You won’t always feel this way.” or “There has been a large part of your life where you have been well and felt different than this.” I appreciated all of it and believed none of it. Yesterday, while playing CandyLand with Rafi I was on the other side of this conversation. I beat him all four games and he said “I never ever win anything!” I told him this wasn’t true and reminded him of his many past victories. Like me, he believed none of it, though unlike me he did not appreciate it at all.

Anyway on Saturday I woke up and I felt as if a switch in my brain had shifted. I felt a way I’d forgotten I was capable of feeling. I felt like me four months ago. I believe this means the medicine has started working (something I had stopped believing was possible.) I know I still have a long way to go on this getting better journey but being reminded I can feel this way has been a ridiculously awesome gift.

And as I’m feeling better, I have taken to reminding myself of these six things:
1. Be patient
2. Keep working hard
3. Take things slow
4. Be kind to yourself
5. Make healthy choices
6. It’s okay to crush your son at CandyLand