The Brain Game

A couple months ago, in addition to depression, I was diagnosed with Chronic Suicidal Ideation (I imagine there is a CSI parody in there somewhere.) In my current battle it is these suicidal thoughts I have been fighting hardest. Even in moments of joy, this desire to end my life is in my brain. I feel lucky for all the moments of joy. Very lucky. And while the thoughts are there in those moments, they are more manageable then when the joy is not there. At those times the thoughts are even more intense and more frequent and they make ending my life seem inevitable. The thoughts have been a struggle, a huge struggle. They have been the main reason for the two hospitalizations. And in general they have just been really fucking scary.

There are two main components to getting rid of/minimizing these 100 times a day repetitive thoughts – The right meds and learning the right tools to change these thoughts. It is unclear yet if these are the right meds, but I am hopeful. As hard as it is, finding the right meds feels like the easier part. Finding ways to interrupt these thoughts, ways to change, is a harder process. This is not a surprise, as change, according to what I remember from successories posters, is hard. Though, according to those posters, it’s also necessary. On Thursday I started a new therapy program called Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT.) It is intensive, requires a lot of work, and I feel, as long as I commit to it, it will help. It has already started giving me tools I have used and adding that to the advice and time with the wonderful support system I have, It seems like it can be a good combo.

Plus, the DBT program has free sandwiches so I’m already ahead of the game.