Bringing the Pain

I am a pretty boring person

And because I’m pretty boring, you know what sentence I never thought I would say?

“No, I don’t choke me as a form of auto-erotic asphyxiation.”

I have said this above sentence probably 30-some times in the past few months. No, not on a first date or a job interview. Though I could see that being entertaining.

I have said this sentence to a slew of mental health professionals I have met with. When you go for a lot of mental health treatment you have a lot of intake interviews and meetings with therapists. All of them involve telling them what is wrong with you.

I talk about how much I want to not be alive, how much I want to hurt me, and I hate saying all of it.

It’s weird with this mental health battle how you decide what is normal to say and what it makes you feel like an absolute piece of shit to say and how that will often change.

I have battled with the suicide stuff for over 15 years so talking about wanting to no longer be alive feels like run of the mill chit chat.

Hitting myself, choking me, that on the other hand just seems like complete and utter crazy talk. I still say it though but then I get angry at myself for being this person .

When I hurt me I want to hurt me more for hurting me in the first place. I want to punish this person who is enough of an asshole to punish herself.

And that reaction is what needs to change.

Yes I need not to hurt me but I also need not to pile on

I need not to judge.

I need to ignore what just happened and go forward and say “Now I will be kind to me. Now I will treat myself with love. I will love myself. I will treat myself how I think others should be treated. I deserve to be treated that way.”

One day I will be interviewed by a mental health professional and I will say “I used to hurt me but I haven’t in a very long time.”

That’ll be cool.