Necessary Roughness
We all have so many more choices then we realize.
It’s not should I live or should I die?
Am I moving forward or going backward?
Should I take meds or not?
How do I stop suffering?
It is not what do I do.
It is one second feeling awful and at the edge
and the next second feeling so in love with what is going on in front of you
and knowing there is no way to quickly get rid of the awful
and to get the joy to stay.
This disease.
Is it a disease, a malfunction,
a misunderstanding between different parts of my brain?
I don’t know.
I am trying to solve, to define, to understand.
But its about living in the problem, acknowledging it,
being okay with suffering, and shit, and pain
without having solutions, or tools, or answers
Answers are never as permanent or meaningful as they seem.
They make it feel like something is taken care of, they make others comfortable with your pain.
But pain is uncomfortable, uncertain, and moving slowly through it sometimes not moving at all, it is necessary.
And it feels awful.