The One After the Break-Up

I went broke trying to be unbroken, did it work?

Can you un-break something?

I’m still not sure.

I know I am grateful and angry.

Is there some type of hangry mash-up for that?

Am I grangry?

She had been talking to me for a year about getting angry, maybe this was her plan.

As I sat there, feeling like I was screaming,

I asked her if she did all this to see me get angry.

She looked at me, and said calmly, as always.

“What anger? You seem desperate and sad, not angry.”

Desperate and sad? Like Ross as Rachel is breaking up with him?

I can’t be Ross. I am not Ross. Maybe first season Ross but not cheating Ross.

Though she did seem betrayed, by the health she helped me find, by me needing less.

But I am Phoebe. Not Ross.

I am not Phoebe, but I want to be.

So strong in who she is, brave, funny, confident AF.

I, on the other hand, question my ability to get away with using AF.

I saw AF for the first time and thought Abercrombie & Fitch.

I had to google AF.

Oh shit, maybe I am desperate and sad Ross.

I talked to her once about Friends, as an excuse I use to end my life

How the show went on five seasons too long

and how going on too long tainted it.

And how if I kept delaying killing myself,

I would run the risk of being a ruined, derivative version of me.

She shut it down saying “You are talking like some writers are writing your life, like you have no control over it. That’s not the case.”

So simple, confident, and true.

Maybe she is Phoebe.

I can’t take her as Phoebe and me as Ross.

So I guess I will be me and she will be her

and this pain will last for a while and so will I.