In A World Where You Can Be Anything, Be Someone’s Tim Gunn
Today is an anniversary of sorts.
Five years ago today while in the waiting room at shock therapy I messaged Susan Messing to thank her for just being out there in the world.
After that exchange, I would reach out to Susan many more times, (like in the thousands) She was there as the depression returned, as my marriage ended, as the depression got better, and then returned, and then got so much worse. For over two years she took almost daily messages from me that often had me writing about ending my life
Susan replied and replied and replied some more and while she led with kindness and empathy, she was honest and tough too.
She told me everything from “You’re a fighter. You’re a winner.” to “Charity starts at home, bitch.” to “Your semantics are for shit.” to “You need to check yourself into a hospital.” to “You are a rock star. Every day you continue to live, even when it’s tough, is a score in the plus category.” to “I will not engage in your self hatred anymore. I am here to remind you that it is all worth it, that you are worth it, but I will not engage in you thinking suicide is an inevitability.”
She gave me unconditional love and also reminded me of boundaries, a difficult task when someone is suicidal and compulsively writing you
Besides being a loving, beyond generous soul, I often wonder why Susan was willing to keep being such a huge part, often the most helpful part of my support system.
And then I watched the Season 14 Project Runway reunion special and it all came clear.
Anyone that has watched the fashion design completion show, Project Runway knows the awesomeness that is Tim Gunn.
For those who don’t watch, Tim Gunn is the mentor for the contestants. Tim doesn’t take the Simon Cowell approach of ripping people new ones on a regular basis. No, his goal is to get the most out of talented people by telling them what is working and by telling them to take what is not working and “Make it Work.”
As a teacher Susan Messing is improv’s Tim Gunn. She is beloved, respected, talented, and in the end wants to, in her words “Tell her students they’re right and then help make them more right.”
As I was watching the Reunion special, Tim Gunn was talking to Swapnil a talented designer who got eliminated, Swapnil’s biggest problem was that even though he was good, he just stopped trying. He got lazy.
This frustrated Tim and he said to Swapnil. “I will tell you what I told my students when I taught ‘I can’t want you to succeed more than you want to.’ ”
I loved this line. And it made me think about my relationship with Susan, and I thought maybe one of the reasons she was willing to give so much of her time and love and wisdom to me was she knew, that no matter how hard she fought to help me get healthy, I was always fighting harder.
I don’t know that I will ever be able to pay Susan back for all she did for me, but fortunately Susan is a fan of pay it forward. (Not the awful movie, but the concept itself) and I am too.
I talk on a regular basis to a lot of people struggling with this disease and offer support. To keep myself healthy while doing so, two things must happen, they must be working to get better and they must be seeking professional help. Because what I learned from Susan is my goal is never to be a therapist, but to be what they need most, a Tim Gunn.
