The crashing seems to have stopped. My mood is uneven but manageable.

I am grateful, appreciative, realize how lucky I am, framing things in the best light and so on and on and on.

Let’s get that out of the way so I do not have to couch every sentence with one of those sentiments.

A few months back I went to the OB/GYN cause I was having hot flashes and night sweats. According to the cute old man with a fun accent Dr. guy, I am either having estrogen issues because of my poly-cystic ovaries or I am beginning early onset menopause. I am thirty-fuckin-five, by the way, so yeah that’s early.

But honestly, if this was not effecting my mood, I probably would be good with it, I have no reason to delay menopause, so, sure, let’s get that out of the way.

But hormones off-kilter equals mood off-kilter so back to the psychiatrist I went. To help with the hormones I can take a birth control pill, said birth control can make one of my meds, the med that helps me the most, less effective

So it becomes wait and see. 

Will these pills even things out or swing things in the wrong direction?

Wait and see has not worked well before.

So, I find myself angry.

Angry that I might be a patient again. I am so sick of being a patient.

Angry that others might feel the need/actually need to take on some semblance of a caregiver mode. The idea of that makes me want to jump out of my skin. I am so not comfortable with needing any sort of caregiving.

I did the hard work. Over a year of it. I took it more seriously then I ever did school work, and now there is a chance that could get messed up, and that sucks.

So I get to make the choice to continue being pro-active, to hope the meds stuff balances out quickly, and to every now and then, get angry, cause, in my view, angry beats sad everyday of the week and twice on Sunday. (A Few Good Men reference!)