99 Problems and One Person to Help You Work Through Them

I am married but I have never been on a first date in my life. My husband and I met through a friend, we hung out in groups, started a long distance relationship, I moved to the same city as him, and we eventually got married. And before our relationship, I never had a date either.  

My entire knowledge of the somewhat uncomfortable first date process comes from my friends and from watching lots of Friends episodes. So I have learned the odds are low, wine is involved, and when you find the right fit you breath a happy sigh of relief, And also there is a laugh track and recurring appearances by Janice.

And though I have never done the first date thing as a way to begin a romantic relationship I can understand the experience as I have had my own version of first dates known as “finding the right therapist.”

It’s the same drill. You share your story, try not to get your hopes up, and get really frustrated when you invest time in the wrong one. And then you find the right fit and you breath a happy sigh of relief.

I went on my share of crappy first therapy dates, had one nice long term relationship while living in Missouri. Then, eleven years ago, I moved to Cleveland and was back on the dating scene, I had a couple of false starts, and then like soul mates in a 90s films, I had that first date and knew I found my match.

I started seeing her in my 20s, or as I refer to it, the decade of blaming your parents. She helped me get all that out of my system and made me own my life and all that comes with that.

My therapist has laughed with me, and I was going to say cried with me, though I do not remember that ever happening. Oh, I have cried a shit ton, to be sure. I just don’t remember any mutual crying .

My therapist did something much more necessary than that,

She fought for me.

She fought for me to get the right help when the system was taking too long and most of all, she fought to keep me alive.

Nobody heard me utter the phrase “I just want to die.” more than my therapist, and she found 600 ways for me to hold on.

Nobody can stop someone from killing themselves. Nobody is responsible for another person’s suicide.

But I was lucky enough to have a tiny bit left to reach out and there was always something she had to offer; mental health advocacy and resources, meaningful words, a voice that said I won’t let you lose this fight.

I remember during the worst of the worst saying “I just want to die and my son to be okay.” 

And she replied “I think you’re forgetting that’s not possible.”

She didn’t say a coddling “Oh my god, you poor thing,” or a frustrated “Stop it. This is ridiculous.”

She just simply said the truth and for that moment it was perfect and it was enough.

In other words, my 90s film-like instincts were totally on. I had found the Jenny to my Forrest – no that’s not quite right.

I had found the wealthy man to my streetwise hooker – no that’s definitely not right.

I had found the therapist to myself

And I am grateful.