Shock Therapy Didn’t Ruin Me (A Treatment Destigmatized)

When I was ready to kill myself, a last ditch effort was presented, electro-convulsive therapy. With a name like that, who wouldn’t be all in?

Like any in-depth researcher, I immediately went to Google to learn more. While looking, I found a youtube clip from someone getting ECT in the 90s and nothing else helpful.

I didn’t watch the youtube clip cause, honestly, I did not want to know what happened when I was knocked out. I figured that was the benefit to being knocked out. I enjoy not knowing what happens when I am passed out. I get nitrous at the dentist, every time, I will not sit in the chair without seeing it hooked up, and I preferred, if I was going to get ECT, to not know what went on. I am extremely trusting this way, wait till I am under the magic drugs and do your thing. Don’t worry, I realize there are certain situations where you should probably avoid being drugged and trusting.

Anyway, after this cursory internet searching, I decided to not seek out information.

This plan was slightly messed up when the day before the fun was about to happen a woman in my mood disorder intensive program came up and begged me not to get ECT as it took away her husband’s personality and he was never the same. I don’t recommend ever saying this to someone.

But, motivational message aside, I still took the plunge because I figured i should try one more thing before I took a permanent, irreversible, plunge.

Like what learning to cook healthily or finding religion does for some people, ECT saved my life.

Like learning to cook healthily or finding religion, I would not recommend it for everyone, 

To me, the most amazing thing about ECT, was when I started to feel better and the doctor asked me how was I doing. I said I was at 70%. I was thrilled with this number. Like my grades in school and Cookie Monster, “C” was good enough for me. But the Dr. said we will do this till you’re at 100%,

And in that moment, I realized I had given up on that number long ago. I thought passing was enough and this man said you deserve to feel not just better, but your best.

I think about this now when things dip for me. Am I still doing so much better than before? Yes. Am I grateful for that? Without a doubt. Am I deserving of 100%? Absolutely.