In Need of a Plan

Do you have a plan?

A question asked of college graduates, presidential candidates, and the suicidal. And for any of these people, if you answer no, you are immediately taken less seriously.

I was raised by a planner, I married a planner.And then there is  me. I bristle at the idea of a schedule, a calendar, or even writing a grocery list.I feel a bit of guilt about my resistance. Sometimes you need to defer to what gives others comfort, like your husband knowing where your are for instance. I function with a lack of schedule, but as a family that is tricky.

As much as I try (not much) I will probably never be a planner.

So when I tell a psychiatrist I’m feeling suicidal and they inevitably ask ”Do you have a plan?”

I say “no” and immediately feel I have let them, and myself down.

C’mon Deena, how hard is it to come up with something, I chide myself?

“It doesn’t have to be fully fleshed out” I tell myself, just say something vague, like “Yes, it involves a razor, some stale  taco shells, and a VHS copy of Mars Attacks.”

But I say no, they seem relieved, and I promise myself to try harder next time.