Feeling Like Shit and Other Joyful Adventures

I have a story I want to tell. A story of a person who struggles and works hard to get better and gets better and feels good for a long time. I want to tell that story so much. I want to feel good and to be able to hold on to that feeling.

The past week has been rough, feeling my lowest in months. Thinking the darkest of dark thoughts. I am so sick of looking for fucking silver linings in all this painful bullshit. I decided I am done with it, not everything can have a silver lining.

And then of course, out of nowhere a silver lining comes right the fuck in anyway: I realized I am able to manage these dark thoughts better now then before because that story I so desperately need now, I have seen it happen in the past. The part of me that struggled before to believe it’s possible to feel well, that part is now able to hang on, because even though right now,I can’t remember what feeling well feels like, I can remember feeling different then this.

So, yes, there is indeed something hopeful in all this, but I gotta tell you, I am sick of this finding-the-hope-in-the-pile-of-shit party game, can”t I just have that regular old run of the mill feeling good-ness? Amen.